Winsor's Blog

Nothing without

winsor — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 14:21:01 +0000

You are breaking me

I am hurting

You have no idea what you are doing to me

You are so ignorant

I hate you for it

And I am broken because you do not love me

Give me a word
A hope
A sign

I need you!
I must have you!
I can not help it.
Where are you?
Why are you?

What are we?
I can not be your lover
I need more
I need safety
I need you completely

Can you give me that?

We need to speak
Call me.
You must call me.
If I contact you, I will scare you away

I can not be without you

I can not exist

You have given me the world
Do not take it back

I beg you
Take care of me
I am fragile
I break easily

Find me

It is not a game

winsor — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 14:13:36 +0000

I do not love you
Do I love you?
I do not think I do

Still, I am attatched to you
You are in my mind constantly
I curl up, holding myself together
As if i would loose myself if I let go

It is your faulth
You make me like this
You do not love me

That is why I can not make myself feel
I want to
Be yours

Be mine.
Love me!
Never leave me again.

I am waiting for you to contact me
I know you will not
Not for days
And when you do
It will be to use me.

I am not your toy.

There are things you should know about me
I feel
And when I do
I feel immensely
Intensely

Right now, I feel you
I do not know how to relate to you
I need answers

You confuse me!
I hate you
I can not live without you

We have been togehter twice
I have slept with you five times

I do not know the name of your brother

Who are you,
my familiar stranger?

I am not your toy!
If you shall have me, you shall have me completely
Nothing less.

I am complicated,
I am worth it
I am beautiful

Why are you not here with me now?

I love you
Not
Maybe

Am I dead?

winsor — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 21:13:33 +0000

I am sometimes quite serious when I ask myself that question. It makes me feel despair, fear. Not fear of death itself, but what makes me feel able to ask myself that question. How can I be dead? I am still breathing. I still eat. I still shover every morning, go off for school or work, and then, when I get home… hm, that makes me wonder, what do I do when I get home? I know I do something. I must have done something, since time is still passing me by. I remember no details. Sometimes I watch pointless TV-shows – perhaps they once were interesting, but now I am pretty sure i just watch to let my brain relax – sometimes I sit in front of the PC, but I cant remember what I do, except surf the net, sometimes I read, though I have lost that feeling of putting myself in the place of the characters, feeling what they feel.

In the end, I think that is the key problem, I have stopped feeling. It is not like I have heard heartbreaks described – the emptyness – but now I have not had my heart broken, not for such reasons one would considerate, thoug. No, I am not hearbroken. But I think the feeling is a bit similar, though. A bit of the emptyness recembles. Even so, I am not heart. I have just stopped feeling. Like if I was dead.

What would trigger such a thing? I do not know. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to pay attention to has happened in my life. I am quite ordinary. Or at least I was. I do not say that anything has changed. Perhaps that is the reason. Nothing has changed. Still, all has changed. My life has become such a rutine to me, so still, that I have lost the ability to sence changes. The small changes.

Probably this is not making any sence. But it is what I know to be true. Nothing has changed, yet all has. The small differences. Lately – lately is an unfeir word for this description, the last three quarters of the year are more appropiate, more correct – I have grown to become anti-social. I have lost some of my friends because of it. It is all my fault. I have fallen so deep into rutines that I have forgotten to break them with small meetings, talks, depper conversations, or just social gathering. I should have remembered. I am no lunatic or anything, it is just that now I am afraid I will get all alone.

The non-excistence occured before this time, though. This is just the effects it is pulling off. It started some years ago, I guesse, not quite sure when.

I remember one time, sitting in a chair in the living room. I was alone. The sun was berely shining outside, pulling through some clouds far up at the sky. The grass was green, fresh. I think it must have been spring. The colors was so clear. I remember I could almost feel the atmosphere. Then, in the middle of nothing, I started laugh. It was just an ordinary day, but I laughed of all my hearts desire. Nothing was amusing, funny, or anything. Still I laughed. Today, I miss that presence I had. Then, I knew I excisted. Now I am not that sure anymore.

I still taste food, I still smell, I still can feel the difference from fabricks. I still pick up situations, others tone layers. I see it all, feel it all, but my mind does not correspond. I do not enjoy it the way I used to. Perhaps I am depressed, I know I was, not long ago. I didn’t tell anyone, just shield myself the more.

I am hard to get through to these days. Perhaps I should say impossible. I get angry so fast, people get suprised by my temper. I do not mean to. I snap at anything, without reason. Sometimes it confuses me. Yet, it is the one feeling which still comes to me clearly, anger. It is not the best feeling, not one anyone would choose, but it is the only one. Do not get me wrond, I do not snap at purpose. I never intend to. I just get so mad sometimes. One would not think so, but sometimes I’m even grateful for it. At least, for those small minutes, perhaps even seconds, I feel something, a piece of thin tread holding my hope up, the hope claiming I am not dead.

Inspiration

winsor — Mon, 25 May 2009 21:14:27 +0000

I am indeed not quite sure of which words to speak. Sometimes my mind is filled with such wonders of love and conflict and tales of the mystic, or the quite ordinary. But then there also comes times when the front of m head feels like aching. I suppose this is one of those times. Still, I feel the need of expressing muself. Of which tales to tell, I am not sure, even if I once did. It is like that with inspiration, I guess. It comes and goes as it iself pleases. Yet, I find myself wonderfully in love with the feeling of great words coming to me for no semingly reason…

A quote of life

winsor — Mon, 25 May 2009 08:08:11 +0000

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience. – Elanor Roosevelt

I wish i had the courage to live life to the full…

She rules them all, She whom will be

winsor — Sun, 24 May 2009 19:12:27 +0000

A day long gone, I was in an inspired moment. Suddenly thoughts began running through my head. I got the nearest thing i could reach (at the time a fiery red lipstic) and wrote (on my mirror, it turned out) my words. In many ways I think these small words describes parts of what is me, and parts of what I hope one day will be. Some of it I fear, and others makes me feel awe. All done in a split second of my mind;

She Rules Them All, She Whom Will Be

Live life to the full

Dreams of true (to understand this, you must look at previous posts)

Eyes so strong, they turn fire to ice

The greater good

Hope is a string around your finger when drowning

The weapon to become

They think you are what they see you as

Honour in power

Strongness in numbers, is underestimating the few

Eyes see, tongues do not speak

In the deepest of thoughts, lies few things to be spoken of

And in the end, who can tell what it all means. It is what it appears to be, or do you underestimate them?

10 things which gives me joy

winsor — Sat, 16 May 2009 14:47:05 +0000

1: Books. Few things are so entertaining and educational as books. I love to read.

2: Understanding the mind. Yes, you read correctly. How we think of ourselves and how we judge others. How one action with one intension, affects others plans for fulfilling their intensions. Is there any wonder the mind interests me?

3: Summertime and summershine. I do not think there are need for any further commenting on this one.

4: Work. I do not mean the work itself, but the feeling you get afterwards, when you know you have contributed to something greater than yourself. That is a feeling i love.

5: Hot chocolate on an winter day. The snow is falling outside the window, the stars shining, the fire sparkling. That is when a cup of hot chocolate tastes the best.

6: The annual barbeque. Few things I look more forward to. Every beginning of spring break, I go with some friends to some Islands by boat, where we swim in the ocean, light a fire and tell stories around the campfire. We play and laugh and tell and taste and smell and live until darkness creeps up our backs. And being from Nothern Europe, the sommer sun lasts until well past midnight.

7: With nothing to do. That is something which gives me joy, truly. I absolutely love the feeling of knowing there is nothing for me to do, no obligations, no strings and no chores. The few days I spend doing nothing at all, I think are the best of my life.

8: The beauty of colours.

9: Family dinners. I am glad whenever the family joins for dinner. We often spend much time after finishing the meal, just sitting by the table talking. Talking of times past, times to come and the pleasures of the moment.

10: Future. I look at the future brightly. I want to accomplish so much in my life. The only worry is that I will not have enough time to do it all. One can not wait for the dreams to come to you, one must chase the dream. One must live lifte to the full.

Self – credit

winsor — Wed, 13 May 2009 06:15:43 +0000

Goodnight my someone

winsor — Tue, 12 May 2009 08:03:29 +0000

Goodnight, my someone,

Goodnight, my love,

Sleep tight, my someone,

Sleep tight, my love,

Our star is shining it’s brightest light

For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.

Sweet dreams be yours, dear,

If dreams there be

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight

True love can be whispered from heart to heart

When lovers are parted they say

But I must depend on a wish and a star

As long as my heart doesn’t know who you are.

Sweet dreams be yours dear,

If dreams there be

Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.

I wish they may and I wish they might

Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

Goodnight, Goodnight.

The rain which rules the sun

winsor — Wed, 06 May 2009 09:52:54 +0000

So, the song from the small flute in her ears was as sweet as the timberling water beside of her, working its path between round white stones. She felt alone, though. The music never faded, except when she herself wanted to. She did not se the servants running to do their chores all around, trying their best being silent an invisible. She never noticed them. Her arrogance filled the air as the sun shone opun her golden hair, which covered her face. A swift of a breeze came across her face, showing tears from the eyes behind the hair.

“My mistress, you cry” It was one of the new ones, it must have been. Noone else would have dared come with such a statement. But she was not in the mood of punishing incompetent servants, not today. Insted, she rised, pushed the tears away with a soft hand and looked the servant straight in the eye. Even if she was shorter by a foot, she did indeed seem meters taller, authority ozing her being.
“What is your name, child?” She asked.
“I am called Annabelle, Mistress”
“Well, Annabelle, you should know better than to talk without being spoken to”
“I am sorry, Mistress. It will not happen again, I was just conserned of your wellbeing”
“You must always remember, my child, even if the sun shines on you own pretty head, rain will fall on someone else. And for the time being that someone else might want to be left alone. When the rain rules the sun, the sun can not dry out tairs.”
The servant dropped to an curtsy, and when she raised, the woman was gone.

“There is a time for all of us to rain,” the servant said in agreement before going back to her chores.