The rain which rules the sun Wednesday, May 6 2009 

So, the song from the small flute in her ears was as sweet as the timberling water beside of her, working its path between round white stones. She felt alone, though. The music never faded, except when she herself wanted to. She did not se the servants running to do their chores all around, trying their best being silent an invisible. She never noticed them. Her arrogance filled the air as the sun shone opun her golden hair, which covered her face. A swift of a breeze came across her face, showing tears from the eyes behind the hair.

“My mistress, you cry” It was one of the new ones, it must have been. Noone else would have dared come with such a statement. But she was not in the mood of punishing incompetent servants, not today. Insted, she rised, pushed the tears away with a soft hand and looked the servant straight in the eye. Even if she was shorter by a foot, she did indeed seem meters taller, authority ozing her being.
“What is your name, child?” She asked.
“I am called Annabelle, Mistress”
“Well, Annabelle, you should know better than to talk without being spoken to”
“I am sorry, Mistress. It will not happen again, I was just conserned of your wellbeing”
“You must always remember, my child, even if the sun shines on you own pretty head, rain will fall on someone else. And for the time being that someone else might want to be left alone. When the rain rules the sun, the sun can not dry out tairs.”
The servant dropped to an curtsy, and when she raised, the woman was gone.

“There is a time for all of us to rain,” the servant said in agreement before going back to her chores.

The game of dancing the blade Tuesday, May 5 2009 

And then the world started spinning, and we were all doomed by the first breath of our kind. Troubles erasing problems, and problems born at the core of troubles. One can not give in, and one can not stop the rain falling. The world starts spinning, and we can not make it stop, its sweetly bitter taste of living poisoning the scene.

At the end, all we can do is trying to dance the blade, careful not to fall, not to get cut. We can not rise, the blade is too sharp. We can not lie down, the blade is too sharp. We can not surrender, the cut will be too depp. We can not climb up, we can not reach the rope, and even the slightest try of a jump will pull us down further than we began. So the blade floats in the air, beside every other, beside all of us, beside what we call our society.

We want to break free from this chain, but every attempt sharpens the blade, and the dance gets more difficult. And the blade will eventually hurt us all, eighter by our selfdoing or by others pushing away the hang grasping for help from others dancing their own blade.

Even with all of us in the same situation, we keep fighting the beast of our nightmares, fighting eacother, and keeping alive. Some of us push others down to make themselves seem higher, and some rises someone else in the hope of getting pulled themselves. We give and we take, and in the end we are all the same, just as we began.

The hen lays an egg and the egg becomes a hen. Who really care which of them came first. They both are, by the time of change. The time which of we all longer, but never quite will experience. The time of the falling blades where stairs no longer are stairs, but a floor for us all to stand. Yet, we do not seem to be pleased with this. All equal. The same. We want to stand out in the crowd, we want to be the only one able to dance the blade. Here, Now.

What are we really? And how can we learn the dance?

Life is passing by, and I missed the train Tuesday, May 5 2009 

Life is passing by, and I missed the train

Bitter sweet dreams Sunday, Jan 25 2009 

In all of times, it has been said that dreams is the work of our unconsciousness. It is the reaction of our past, our culture, our hopes and dreams, and sometimes even the future. But what is it then, that I dream of?

It started years ago, and I am not quite sure when it started. Even now, once in a while I get to see him again, in my dreams. I am quite sure you do not understand much now, reading this. But I do promise you, it is quite true.  Let me try to explain: a few years ago I had a dream of a boy (i was yet a child, and even if i am still a teen, i feel like a woman, not a girl anymore). Now you may expect some erotic fantasy of some sort. But it was not. Once i let my eyes on him, I knew. What I knew, is another mather.. and I am not yet quite sure.  Anyway, I do not think the details of my dreams would interest anyone, but the mere fact of the existence of the dream, might.

When waking up, that first time, I was one of the worlds happies persons alive. There is no way I can explain it better. I was so joyous i could see the sun shine on a cloudy day.

The second time we met, was another dream, another time. Still details would only distract the purpose of this reading. Yet there was something in his eyes which could make my mind fly and my stomch twist and my heart melt. That sweet gaze. At the time I had the dream, I would say would match my age to his. We were both in developement, growing up to become us, together. Waking up from that second dream, a sweet bitterness flooded me. The second my eyes opened, I longed for us to be together again. For me to feel his watmth on my skin. To se those eyes reading my every thought, and his smile. I had become in love.

The third time is not so far ago, yet it seems ages. This time we had a child. The worlds mot beautiful daughter. My Elizabeth. Her long black curls and her small arms running towards me, hugging and never letting go. And he, more gorgeous and indescribable kind, filled my heart with love. Pure love.

Waking up, I had tears in my eyes. Once again I had seen him, seen my little daughter, seen all what I wanted to be. I had seen us marrying, us fighting alongside each other, laughing, kissing, longing. I had felt his precense, his warmth, his eyes reading my every thought. And every night since I gave him my heart, a star has shone upon the nights sky. Even when no other star shine, ours do. The star I always search for when night falls, with a wish of seeing him again.

How I love him. I wish to forever sleep, if it would mean for us to meet again. There is so much I could give for that valuble price. Only a gaze. And I know he is not only a dream. How could i then feel him when scared or cold? How can I then be willing to give so much? It is the feeling he leaves me, as if I only have to wait for the right moment, and our eyes will meet for true.

It seems unbelievable, but it is quite true, I promise. I swear as much as I love him. I swear as much as my heart is for him to have. I swear

I wish upon a star – the star – for us to meet again, tonight.

Exhausted Saturday, Jan 17 2009 

Today, saturday eve. I am sitting at home, both feet  and mind aching. There’s a lot to be done, for both of them, but for some reason, I just can’t seem to make myself do them. For some reason the chair i am sitting in, are overly comfortable, for some reason the books full of tasks are too heavy to be lifted up. For some reason, I am exhausted.  Perhaps it is the fact that I worked until 0100 am this morning, or that I simply do not bother spend more energy doing whatever. I am glad every time I see the sun shine, because that reminds me of that brighter times are coming, and therefore I know spring, and eventually summer will emerge. How I wish for that time to come sooner!

Such a feeling Thursday, Jan 15 2009 

I do not think i have ever felt anythin like this! It is a wonder anyone can have done so. For whole my life i have been single and free. And i have always been okey with it. But then this feeling has began stirring in the bottom of my sould. A little coloured drop in a sea of colourless emotions. And suddenly it all is glistening like the most beautiful rainbow. The problem is, i do not seem to be able to tuch it. No matter how hard i try, whe fluid avoids my hands.

I am not quite sure how else to say it.

And for all of my life, i have wanted to be free, and never have i felt true love. And I have not yet eighter. But I do feel a longing for a couple of strong arms around me, making me feel safe. I wish for someone to understand me, for someone to know who I truly am.  Am I the only one in the world who feels this? It is insuperable, but yet I know even the slightest thought of whoever he might be, turns my heart pounding and my stomack twisting.

I am not in love. For that i am sure. But I want to be. I want to live on the razors edge, and when I eventually fall, I wish that he will catch me.

For how long must one stand such a feeling? I feel tortured by sweet wishes and dreams not likely ever to be true. For how long can anyone stand such a feeling? I wonder. Will I have to put up with it much longer? I do indeed long for love.

Is He really out there. Is He?

Three feet under Sunday, Nov 23 2008 

Whom is winsor?

As told before, i am from northern europe. I do not think i need to specify it more than that. I am living my sweet seventeen, and study travelling and tourism at high school.

As a person, i considder myself as a serious, precocious, bookworm trying to make her way in life. Perhaps i am deadly boring, but i do not think anybody is. How can a person be boring? Is there not life enough in anyone to brighten up a day, to make a difference, to make somebody smile? What can possibly be boring about that? That is one of the things i try to do; make somebody smile every day.

I do well at school, does that make me a nerd? I work hard, and get what i deserve. I do not consider myself a nerd, or boring for that matter. I just do not waste time trying to give an impression of beeing something i am not. I have friends that i love. I have a family whom i care for (well, not always), and i am happy beeing me; a deadly boring nerdy teen, always with a plan for what to do next.

I find amusement in the small things, like stars in a winter night, the sky when it has that perfect blue, a good morning from the bus driver. It is those ting that makes life bearable. Those small things wich speaks of love in its own special way.

I think i am a bit square, in a way that i am not the first person to jump of a mountain. I do not have my feet on the groud, they are planted three feet under. I do not often get angry, but irritation comes fast. The few times i do get angry, i would most sertanly not like to be the person i am angry at. So one can say i do not stike often. But when i do, i strike hard.

I am not the kind of person whom you will find smiling. Sometimes i do, but not whitout reason. Neighter do i often cry. If i do, the reason is often good.

To be honest, i do not know what more to say. In the end i do not think i will have to. The one reading, you, will know me eventually. One step at the time

The beginning Sunday, Nov 23 2008 

Hello all you bloggers out there

This is the first post of what is going to be told as the story of a teenage precocious girl. I come from up north in Europe, to be more exact: in a light-blue painted room, lying in my bed even if the desk is all cleared. With a bookshelf (way too small, since the floor around is surrounded by books) at the foot of the bed, and a bedsite table full of junk.

This is me, at least the next blogpost will be. I am anominous, so that i can open my heart fully and freely, whitout any strings. I hope i am a good read, and worth commenting.

You will on this blog find my words, and therefore also pieces of my heart. Enjoy

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